Shaken Read online

  “Your brother has a big mouth.”

  “Only with me.” She nuzzled her horse, Black-Eyed Pea, stroking her silky mane. “So, why horses?”

  “Because I know you love them, though I’m starting to regret this particular act of groveling. Where did that horse get its name again?” He examined the buckskin mare as though studying a deadly disease.

  “She won’t bite. Well, unless you smell like apples or carrots.” She caught his hand and tugged. “Come here, you wimp.” She directed his hand to the mare’s nose. “How are you going to ride a horse if you won’t even touch one?” Kaylan had been riding since she could walk. The Richardses boarded two horses a few miles away on a friend’s land.

  “I’m taking my time. Give me a break. I grew up on the ocean.” Nick smirked. “About that name?”

  Kaylan began saddling Black-Eyed Pea as she explained. “The first time I saw her, I thought she looked like a black-eyed pea with her tan skin and the black mane and tail. Mom fixes them for New Year’s. Says they’re lucky. The name just stuck.”

  She finished saddling Black-Eyed Pea and then led Nick over to another stall containing a black stallion with a white star on his forehead. King’s Knight stood tall as she led him from the stable and handed the reins to Nick, who looked at her skeptically.

  “He won’t buck you this time. He promises.” Kaylan laughed and climbed onto her mare’s back with ease, then watched Nick gingerly mount his horse.

  “Hold the reins loosely, and grip with your legs.”

  “Right.” His knuckles turned white on the reins.

  She led him into the woods. “Pretend the reins are your sniper rifle. You don’t have a death grip on it, do you?”

  “Depends on the situation.”

  She frowned and opened her mouth to ask more but stopped at his steely look. She noted the dark circles again.

  “Are you sure everything’s okay this morning? You look tired. Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

  “Oh, no, you got me on this horse. I’m not getting off until we get to the spot I picked out.”

  They rode in silence, the nippy air blowing softly. Kaylan whispered to her horse throughout the ride, brushing her fingers through her mane and patting her neck. She loved riding. Pap had always told her it was a way to wash away the stress. “The horse knows where she’s going, Sugar. Let her lead you for a while.”

  This time she allowed Nick to take the lead. The thought made her hands slip on the reins. He would protect her physically, but she wasn’t sure he would protect her heart. The horses broke into a clearing in the trees, the bare limbs forming a canopy over the sleeping grove. She’d come here often with Pap. In the spring, wildflowers blanketed the pasture; yet even in the dead of winter it held a solace and beauty. Kaylan slipped off Black-Eyed Pea and hurried to Nick’s side in case he needed help. He swung off with a slight stumble.

  “Well, you definitely aren’t a Southern boy.”

  “Surfing’s a lot more my style. I don’t have as much time for it as I would like, though.”

  “What do you like about it?”

  “I love being in the water and mastering the waves. They’re so strong. If you can stay on top, ride them to the end, you somehow prove yourself worthy.” He grinned. “It’s a rush. I’ll take you sometime. Payback for the horseback riding.”

  “We didn’t have to ride.”

  “Yeah, well, I remember you talked about it the last time I was here.”

  A pang pierced her heart at the thought of last time. Nick pulled the pack off his back. A blanket, sandwiches, thermos, and cookies spilled out—perfect for a winter picnic. He spread the blanket, and they sat.

  The pang eased. She’d told him that her ideal date was a picnic and was touched that he’d remembered. His memory of their past conversations contradicted his decision to leave. They needed to talk, but it was if she had lost the ability to speak or even think clearly.

  “Thank you for this. It means a lot.”

  “My pleasure.”

  He stopped shifting food and met her eyes, his grin inviting. Her breath caught at the intensity in his gaze, and she snatched a sandwich from the spread.

  “Peanut butter and jelly. My favorite.” A smile warmed her face, and she chuckled. Nothing ruffled his Hawk feathers, but she felt as though she were floundering in the middle of the ocean.

  Nick shrugged. “I’m no cook. And be careful. Micah helped.”

  Laughter slipped from her lips. The weight of Haiti was distant. The yesterdays they’d once shared appeared closer than she believed possible.

  “David’s the cook in the family. He won’t need to be much longer, though, if he ever asks Melody to marry him.”

  “I like your family, Kayles.”

  “They like you too.”

  “And what about their only girl? Do I still have a shot with her?”

  As quickly as the laughter came, clouds crowded in, ushering in uncertainty. She had never struggled with honesty, but she did struggle with saying what was necessary. She prayed for the right words.

  “Is that what you’re looking for, Nick? A shot?”

  “If you’ll let me. I’ve missed you.”

  She struggled to keep her voice even. This wasn’t fair.

  “I missed you too. But you ended things.”

  “I messed up, Kaylan. I’m so sorry.” The look in his eyes mirrored her stormy thoughts.

  In Afghanistan Nick had lain awake countless hours, thinking of Kaylan’s gentleness, her laughter, and the way she looked at her brothers as if they could do no wrong. He had missed talking about the Lord with her and the way her forehead crinkled when she was thinking of how to respond to a problem in a loving but bold way. He’d missed the way she bit her lip when she studied and the blush that colored her face when he complimented her.

  They’d kissed once. Nick remembered cradling her face and playing with her hair, waiting for her to trust him. Her hands rested lightly on his chest, unsure. He’d almost cheered when she’d wrapped her arms around his neck and forgotten the world with him for just a moment. She’d smelled and tasted of oatmeal cookies, fresh from the oven. Her lips and body molded to him, and he knew he’d found his perfect fit. Their relationship had been so unlike the others in his past, controlled by physical chemistry and infatuation. With Kaylan, the relationship had revolved around laughter and common interests, deep conversations, and quiet, shared moments—what he had always longed for.

  And then he’d blown it.

  The truth was, he’d never stopped caring, but after only weeks together, the depth of his feelings had alarmed him. She loved the Lord. It resonated in everything she touched, the way she responded to the people around her, and it shone in the innocence and peace in her eyes. Peace that wasn’t present in her eyes when she looked at him now.

  He’d hidden behind God and country. In reality, he wasn’t a man the caliber of those in her family. They trusted God completely. Nick was still finding his way. Surrendering control of what he cared about was difficult for him, but she was too precious not to entrust to the hands of the One who directed both of their steps. Even if it meant losing her.

  He finally broke the silence. “Kaylan, can you give me a second chance?”

  “Nick, I like you . . . ”

  “I feel a ‘but’ coming.”

  A small smile lit her features.

  “I don’t know that I can trust you. You made big promises last time, promises I bought into. And you broke my heart with one phone call.”

  He reached for her hand, and she let him take it. The progress gave him hope. At least she wasn’t pulling away from his touch.

  “Kaylan, I promise I won’t do that again.”

  Frustration colored her tone for the first time, and he realized she was struggling to hold her anger and hurt at bay. “Do you really think it’s that simple? Those are just words unless you back them with actions, Nick. Keeping your word, loyalty, those are big things to me. T
hings I don’t take lightly or for granted. When you say you’ll do something, I count on your follow-through. I pin my hope on it. You exist to protect others. You never leave a man behind. But you didn’t live out that code with me. It got hard, and you backed out, even when I wasn’t demanding anything. I fully supported your position in the SEALs, but it wasn’t enough.”

  He cleared his throat. Lord, I need her to understand. He made sure she was looking at him and then took a deep breath.

  “Kaylan, when I left, I wasn’t a man worthy of you. I looked at the men in your family, and I fell short. When I stayed with your family the first time, I never factored you in. I was a party boy in college. Girls existed for me to lead on and dump. I never had strong feelings for a woman until I met you.” He moistened his lips. “What I felt for you scared me. And what I saw in you and your family intimidated and shamed me. I wanted you more than anything, but when I left to deploy, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be a man like your brothers or dad. I couldn’t handle it all. So I called it off and didn’t come back. Kaylan, I was so immature. I thought combat would make me forget, but it only intensified. I saw . . . ”

  His jaw clenched, and he pushed the thought away. Now was not the right time. “I saw things that changed me. I understood trusting God in a new way. I studied my Bible and prayed. Micah really helped. And I changed. I started to become a man I could be proud of.”

  Her eyes softened minutely and a smile flirted at the corner of her lips, giving him an energy boost as if he’d downed an espresso shot.

  “I’m not perfect, Kayles. I never will be. But I’m not that guy anymore. I know who I am, and I know who my God is. I know trust is earned, and I will be a guy you can trust again.” He brushed a wayward curl behind her ear. She didn’t pull away. “Let me try. We can be the couple we dreamed of being last time I was here, only a better version of those two.”

  He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Her green eyes held a small measure of the peace he had missed. It was time to be the man he’d just claimed to be. Hopefully, somewhere down the line, he would be worthy of her.

  Kaylan’s face heated as he brushed the hair out of her eyes. Sweet words, but she still wasn’t sure. Trust remained elusive. Still, it took courage for him to share his heart, and she appreciated his effort.

  He released her hands and took a bite of his sandwich. “Man, I’m glad that’s over. I’m so hungry.” He clutched his stomach.

  She shoved him, thankful to have a break from his intensity. For the next few minutes they ate in companionable silence. As Nick grabbed the last of Gran’s homemade brownies, her phone blared in the silence of the clearing.

  “Hey, Micah.”

  “Kayles, come . . . Pap . . . hospital.” The connection broke, and Kaylan stood, heart racing as she rushed around the clearing, searching for a better signal.

  “Micah? What’s wrong? What happened to Pap?” She heard sirens in the background before she lost the connection. The blood drained from her face, and she turned to Nick, who stood alert next to the blanket.

  Her knees felt like noodles as she walked toward him. “We need to go. I think something happened to Pap. Micah said something about the hospital, and I heard sirens.” She felt lost. This was the first time she’d experienced an emergency like this. How to handle it? She bent to gather the remains of the picnic and jumped when Nick’s hands gently grabbed her arm, pulling her up and into his arms. She sniffed back tears.

  “It’ll be okay. Go get the horses ready, and I’ll pack up. I’ll get you back as fast as I can.” She nodded and stumbled to where the horses grazed, checking the saddles and bridles. Moments later Nick’s hands grabbed her waist and lifted her on the horse before he climbed onto King’s Knight. He urged his horse to a gallop, and Kaylan did the same, this time thankful to follow his lead.

  “Lord, don’t let anything happen to my Pap. I don’t know what I would do without him.”

  The only response was the whispering wind.

  Chapter Seven

  THE EMERGENCY ROOM buzzed with practiced urgency. As the doors slid open, Kaylan searched for a familiar face. Spotting Micah, she wound around chairs, anxious to hear the news.

  “What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?”

  “He’s fine, Kayles. He had a ministroke while he and Mom were eating lunch. Doctor says he just needs to rest. They want to watch him for the next twenty-four hours, in case of another stroke.”

  Kaylan sighed in relief. “Ministroke. I can handle that. I’m glad he’s okay.”

  “Good, because he’s asking for you.” Micah’s eyes darted between her and Nick, who stood like a bodyguard behind her. “He wants to know how your date went and apologize for interrupting.”

  She laughed, tension leaving her body. “Of course he does. Although there’s not much to tell.” She glanced back at Nick to see a look of challenge on his face. A thrill coursed through her, sending shivers down her spine. The warmth in his eyes made her thankful they weren’t alone.

  “Looks like you’re falling down on the job, partner. Is your charm wearing off, or is my sister just able to put you in your place?” Micah slapped Nick’s shoulder and led them back to Pap’s room.

  “Very funny, Bulldog.” Nick slipped his arm around Kaylan’s shoulders, startling her just as they came in view of the rest of her family. David and Seth eyed him suspiciously. If her brothers ever acted on their protective instincts with Nick, it would be an interesting duel. She wasn’t sure who would win.

  “Is he okay?” Kaylan needed to hear it from her mom.

  “We need to watch him for the next few hours, but I think so.”

  Kaylan feared what this stroke meant for the future. If he had one now, would they increase over time until he had one he couldn’t recover from?

  Her grandmother stepped forward and smoothed the wrinkles on Kaylan’s forehead. “Pap wants to see his Sugar. No use fretting about what we can’t change. God’s in control, honey.” She smiled and tapped Kaylan’s nose. “Now, get your beautiful self in there and tell Pap about your date. Nick can stay out here with us.” Gran looped her arm with Nick’s.

  Micah pushed her toward the door. “We won’t be that hard on him. Besides, if he can’t handle the pressure, he can’t stick around.”

  “We won’t hurt him too bad, sis.” Seth cracked his knuckles and shot her a wicked grin.

  “Good luck.” She envied him. Pap was a talented interrogator, and she was not quite sure what she would say about her time with Nick.

  An old John Wayne movie played in the dark room. Kaylan’s heart jumped to her throat again. Minor stroke or not, she was worried what she would find.

  “There’s my Sugar.”

  Kaylan sank onto the bed and squeezed his hand, her eyes flitting over his body to check for herself. She hated the hospital gown on her strong grandpa. His silver-white hair stood up in a couple places on his head, and despite the dark circles under his eyes, they still sparkled as they met hers.

  “Stop fretting. I’m fine. I’ve survived worse than this.”

  “Like what?”

  “Strep throat. You can’t get over that dadgum sore throat for a week. Your gran makes me drink her awful-tasting hot lemonade. Much worse than this.” Pap shook his head and grimaced.

  Kaylan couldn’t help but laugh. “Pap, that’s not funny. This is serious. Now that you’ve had one stroke, you’re at risk for another one.”

  He shook his head and patted the back of her hand. “We don’t fear what we can’t control. I can only do my best to stay healthy and let God take care of the rest. If it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go.”

  Don’t fear what you can’t control. The thought reverberated in Kaylan’s mind like a gong. Much easier said than done. She feared her relationship with Nick, her decision to go to Haiti, what the future would bring.

  “Hey.” Pap tapped her knee, drawing her away from her frantic thoughts. “It’s okay to fear the unknown. We’re only h
uman. But when we let that fear inhibit our faith in the Lord, that’s when we walk into trouble.”

  “Things are so crazy and uncertain right now, Pap. Blind faith is hard.”

  “Sure it is, Sugar. But faith by definition isn’t easy. It requires action and sacrifice on our part. When the Lord told Abraham to leave his home and family behind, he had to just start walking until the Lord told him to stop. How’s that for lack of direction? But the Lord never left him. He had good plans for that man, and he became the father of a lot of people. That’s a little overwhelming to think about, though, isn’t it?”

  She nodded. “If the Lord was faithful to Abraham, He’ll be faithful with me.”

  “Always, Sugar.”

  She leaned down and hugged him, breathing in the smell of peppermint and coffee. “You can’t leave me yet, Pap. What would I do without you?”

  “Ah, I don’t think it’s my time to go. But one of these days I will. Life isn’t forever, and you’ll be just fine.”

  Kaylan wasn’t so sure. Where would she be without his quiet reassurance and wisdom? He always calmed her and pointed her to Jesus. Just as Nick had at one point in time.

  Nick. How long ago the morning seemed. Pap squeezed her hand, and she met his steady gaze and knowing smile.

  “Now, why don’t you tell me about that young man out in the hallway? Can’t keep secrets from me.”

  She was glad the room hid her blush. “One conversation doesn’t fix everything, Pap, but it sure was enlightening. I don’t want to let him back in too quickly, but I don’t want to avoid the risk, either. What if I miss out this time because I’m the one to say no? But then, where does Haiti fit into all this? This time I’ll be leaving.”

  “Whoa. Slow down there. Do you love him?”

  “Pap.” She felt as though she were back in grade school, telling him about her first crush. “That is a really strong word.”

  “That’s what I’ve heard. Well, all right. Do you like him, then?”