Shaken Read online

  She shrugged. “Sure I do.”

  “Why?”

  Her cheeks heated, and she was thankful for the dim lighting. “He’s confident. And he quietly leads. I felt frazzled when Micah called to tell me you were in the hospital. Nick took control. He calmed me down. He hates horses, yet he never looked more comfortable on one as he led us back to his truck. He loves the Lord. He fights for what’s right and defends those who can’t fight for themselves.”

  Something slowly dawned on her: if she had a list of the perfect guy for her, Nick was quickly meeting every requirement.

  “Well, I’m sold. Did he kiss you yet?”

  Kaylan smiled and leaned in close to her grandfather’s ear. “None of your business.”

  “Now, Sugar, you’re only young once, and I need to live vicariously through you. Details. Don’t you hold anything back from your Pap now.”

  “No, Pap, he didn’t. I’m not ready for that.”

  “Good. I would have needed one of you to bring my shotgun up here.” His rich baritone chuckle filled the room, though weaker than normal. “I want to talk to you about Haiti. You still set on going?”

  “Yes, sir, but . . . ”

  “But what, Sugar?”

  “What if I leave for Haiti and you have another stroke?”

  “And what if I don’t make it through that one, and you don’t get to tell me good-bye? Is that it?” As always, he read the fears splashed across her heart. “Remember what I told you earlier? No fear. God’s in control.”

  “Yeah, but what if I stayed here and took care of you? I could work at the dance studio and help Mom with her interior design business while I wait for my internship to start in August. And I could take care of you.” She met Pap’s eyes as he allowed the silence to linger.

  “Well, now, that sounds like a much safer option than going to Haiti. Practical, even. But when was the last time the Lord called us to what was practical? Sometimes, in our most difficult decisions and transitions, the Lord works the most.”

  “Then this is going to be big, because this has been the hardest decision of my life.”

  “Go, Sugar. Pray, trust the Lord. Your gran and I want to sponsor your trip. So don’t worry about the money. Just go do your thing.”

  A nurse bustled in to take Pap’s blood pressure, followed by Gran. With a wink and nod, Pap released Kaylan, and she headed out to rejoin her family in the waiting room.

  Nick was quickly learning the Richardses’ family dynamics. David and Seth, reassured that Pap would be okay, had headed home. Kaylan had arrived back in the waiting room and announced that, in light of Pap’s stroke, she was reconsidering her trip to Haiti. Her parents had accepted her decision, but not Micah. As soon as they left to check on Pap, Micah turned on his sister.

  “Kaylan, Pap would want you to go to Haiti, not stay here for him.” Micah paced back and forth—rarely a good sign. Nick silently applauded Micah. Kaylan needed to take this trip, needed to spread her wings. Nick loved her sacrificial spirit, but this time she needed to direct it to helping the Haitians.

  “But I could help Pap. Mom and Dad need to work, and Gran still has her responsibilities with the school board. Your leave is up right after Christmas, and no one else can make sure he’s taking care of himself.”

  “He’s a grown man, Kayles. And he wants to get better.” Micah squeezed her shoulder.

  “What if he has another stroke while I’m gone, Micah? I couldn’t handle being so far away if that happened.”

  “That’s not in your control, Kaylan.” Micah hugged her. Nick knew Micah viewed himself as Kaylan’s protector. Nick wondered if he and the rest of the family protected her too much. Out of all the Richards kids, she’d lived the most sheltered life. He thanked the Lord she hadn’t experienced the pain of life in the way he had. However, he had learned firsthand that brokenness shaped a person, and growth didn’t occur without it. It wasn’t his or Micah’s job to protect Kaylan from life. Only Jesus could do that.

  “I feel so bad leaving right now while he’s unhealthy.” She grew quiet and looked at Micah. “Pap told me he and Gran would pay for the cost of my trip.”

  “That’s awesome! Huge answer to prayer. Smile a little. It’s what you’ve been praying for, isn’t it?”

  “Sure. I just feel guilty letting him do that now.”

  “I think you won’t have much choice one way or the other. When Pap sets his mind to something, he usually makes it happen.”

  “I know.”

  “No one is making you feel guilty but you. Snap out of it.”

  She nodded, her lips thinning. Nick knew that face. She would listen, but she would struggle to release the guilt.

  Micah threw his arm around her, tugging her close. “I love that you want to take care of everyone, little sis, but let us do that here. It’s time for you to go. It’s not your concern.”

  “The ones I love are always my concern,” Kaylan said, shoving Micah playfully. In her statement Nick saw the quiet strength and determination that so often came to the forefront. She might wrestle with making decisions, but there were some areas of her life where she never wavered in her commitment and devotion. People she cared about topped that list. Nick wanted the top spot.

  “Then pray for him. And trust God and us for the rest.”

  “Okay, okay. Just let me see him one more time.” Kaylan rose to check on Pap again, leaving Micah and Nick alone in the waiting room.

  “Lord, take care of her.” Micah lifted his voice in the quiet room. He turned to Nick. “She carries the weight of the world too much. She needs to learn to give that to God.”

  “Give her some credit, Bulldog. It took you a tour in Afghanistan and a near-death experience to learn to trust God in a new way. Maybe Haiti will be exactly what she needs.”

  Micah nodded, and a grin spread across his face. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts. “There’s only one person besides Seth who can put a smile on her face.”

  It didn’t take a genius to know who that person was.

  Their voices blended in the sterile hall, “Sarah Beth.” Micah stepped away to make the call as Kaylan joined Nick again in the waiting room. Without hesitating, she settled beside him on the couch, leaning in to his embrace.

  “Feel better?”

  “I talked to the nurse. The stroke was minor. He’ll be fine.”

  Nick thought she was trying to reassure herself. He rubbed his fingers along her arm. “He’s a tough guy. He’ll make it.” Just like his granddaughter.

  “I know. It’s just hard to see him like this.”

  Nick leaned over and kissed her forehead. They’d moved leaps and bounds since their morning picnic. She was allowing him to comfort her, something she rarely allowed others to do when family was present.

  “Why don’t you get out of here for a little while? He’s fine and resting.”

  She nodded and leaned her head against his chest. “Thank you,” she murmured.

  “For what?”

  “For being here. For being nice when I panicked on our date.” She chuckled. “That was embarrassing.”

  He leaned back so he could see her face and brushed his knuckles along her cheek. “You’re stronger than you think, Kaylan Lee Richards. And never apologize for crying or freaking out in front of me.”

  “Growing up in a houseful of brothers, you have to get tough, or you get run over.”

  Nick tipped his head back and laughed. “Knowing Micah, I bet that’s right.”

  Micah popped back into the waiting room and thrust his phone at Kaylan. “Someone wants to talk to you.”

  Kaylan’s look of surprise quickly gave way to relief as she heard the voice on the other end. Nick recognized the bond. It was blood-thick. Kaylan and Sarah Beth were the kind of friends who had long ago breached the line of friendship and moved to sisterhood. Similar to the bond of Navy SEALs.

  After a few minutes of serious talk, Kaylan’s voice changed. “Sounds perf
ect. You can pick me up out front at the hospital entrance.” Kaylan handed the phone back to Micah, and a smile lit her face.

  Nick’s interest rose. “Wait, where are you going?”

  Kaylan smiled at him over her shoulder as she left the room. “Dance studio.”

  Chapter Eight

  DANCING WAS KAYLAN’S favorite pastime. The polished wood floor was as familiar as the sound of waves lapping her dock at home. She and Sarah Beth stretched in one of Madame Sally’s dance studios where they had danced since they were five.

  “What are we going for today?” Sarah Beth held up her iPod and skipped to plug it into the speakers at the back of the room. “Jazz, pop, ballet? What are you in the mood for?” The smack of her bubble gum bounced off the mirrored walls.

  “Let’s burn some stress. Pop or jazz.” Kaylan stretched, slipped on her shoes, and stood as an old ‘N Sync song blared over the speakers. Sarah Beth danced to her side.

  “Old school, huh?”

  “I thought we could test our memories on the routine from our senior dance recital. You still got the moves?” Sarah Beth nudged Kaylan and then rushed to restart the song.

  “Bring it.”

  The music began again, and Kaylan closed her eyes and moved with the beat, the old routine flowing naturally. Instinct took over. She was no longer in the studio. She was in Nick’s arms, the relationship restored. He was strong and safe. She kicked and leaped in rhythm with Sarah Beth, imagining herself in Haiti, surrounded by orphans, teaching them about Jesus and helping them live healthy lives. She could feel their little hands, hear their voices singing.

  They continued to dance, the steps growing more intricate. She was with her brothers playing football and with Pap horseback riding. Sarah Beth held up cards of nutrition facts with funny acronyms. She was with her dad in his study, telling him the exact proportions of a mast as he crafted a model ship. And she was with her mom and Gran, picking out paint colors and wall decorations to create a homey atmosphere at the lake house. Sarah Beth bumped into her, and they both giggled, bringing her back to the moment.

  Songs continued to play, and with each, Kaylan moved with more intensity, the stress and anxiety flowing with her sweat. She focused on her favorite memories and wishes. Strands of her hair clung to her neck as she kicked and twirled, while Sarah Beth followed or created her own movements.

  Without fail, time with Sarah Beth refreshed her. No words were necessary. They danced as two who shared one heart, letting years of friendship heal and do the talking. The polished wood under Kaylan’s feet was a welcoming sensation. The room smelled of sweat and accomplishment.

  A slower song filled the room, and Kaylan slowed her movements to match. She closed her eyes again and willed herself to feel the movement of the music and act on it. Her art teacher had once told her that creative expression was often a product of music. Dance was Kaylan’s version of creative expression. When she danced, she was truly herself. No hiding. Emotions released with the flow of her body, refreshing her spirit.

  The final strains filled the room, and Kaylan dropped to the floor, adrenaline leaving in a rush. Drained and soaked, nevertheless she felt alive, just as she did in the mornings when she watched the sun rise. She was back in control, and life felt less overwhelming.

  A deep cough bounced off the walls, and Kaylan bolted upright. Sarah Beth was gone, but Nick leaned against the wall, watching her.

  “I think I need to teach you to be more aware of your surroundings.”

  “I think you need to learn not to sneak up on me,” Kaylan shot back, her heart dancing to a new cadence. “Where’s Sarah Beth?”

  He shrugged. “Went home, I guess.” He pushed away from the wall and joined her where she sat in the middle of the dance floor. Her heart rate doubled. His nearness and the intensity rippling in his eyes told her that she could no longer deny their chemistry. They were treading into unfamiliar territory, approaching a point of no return.

  “Do you think we could finish our conversation? We were interrupted earlier.”

  She nodded and bit her lip, bracing for what could come next.

  “I need to understand something.” His relaxed manner eased her fluttering pulse. “Why Haiti, Kaylan? Why now?”

  “Because I want to change the world, or at least a part of it. I want to do something that matters, Nick.”

  “You have a red carpet to your dreams. Why not wait?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to second-guess myself again, Nick. I see that child, his ribs sticking out from hunger, or that mother thinking of giving up her baby because she can’t feed him, and I want to change the cycle.”

  “You want to be the catalyst.” He nodded, but his eyes held caution. “You can’t do it on your own.”

  “No, but I can change one life. One piece of the world in my own backyard. I can make a difference.”

  “And us, Kayles? Where do you see that going?”

  She swiped her hand across her forehead and shivered, the sweat on her body cooling in the chill of the studio. Her body shook from more than the air.

  “You asked me to trust you again. To give you a chance. I can give you that, but it’s my turn to leave, Nick. And I don’t know what’s waiting for me or when I’ll be back.”

  “That’s usually my line.”

  She wished she could read minds. His poker face denied access. It was his turn to study her, not the other way around. “I was counting on you. I can’t stay here just to give you another chance. It’s my turn. I want to see the world, people I’ve never met, make a difference. It’s what you wanted when you left.”

  “I wouldn’t ask you to put your life on hold for me, to just stay at home and wait. Not if Haiti is something you really feel you need to do.”

  Relief filled her, and his support bolstered her trust. “I’ve sat on the sidelines my whole life. Always waiting for a better time, always following the plan in my head. But I feel like the Lord is calling me to step from my comfort zone and take this unexpected adventure. Yes, this is something I want to do.”

  He grabbed the backpack he’d been carrying that morning and withdrew a box, the red wood stained and rustic. He handed it to her. She traced the wood grains and then lifted the latch. Inside lay a stack of letters, all addressed to her and bound by a rubber band. Wondering, she met his eyes. They churned like the sea about to break over the rocks.

  “There’s a letter for every week I was deployed last year. Well, once I realized I was missing you, which didn’t take long. Twenty-six total.”

  She swallowed hard, her eyes darting from him to the box and back again. What was he saying? And what would she find within these letters?

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I meant what I told you today, Kayles. I missed you and thought of you while I was gone. Ending our relationship was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Right now you don’t trust me completely. I made a lot of promises to you before I left, and while I meant them, they were premature and hurt you. I am so sorry, Kaylan. I’m not that guy anymore. I know it will take a while to let me back into your heart. But for now, can you please let me be part of your life?”

  He moved closer to her and reached for her hands. He’d never been this vulnerable with her before, but her thoughts were wrapped as tightly as a ball of twine. She couldn’t find the end to release them into a coherent strand.

  “My heart is in those words. How much I missed you, how much I wished I could take it all back. My dreams of someday. Read them in Haiti, and I’ll be waiting when you get back.”

  “You would do that?” She tipped her head, needing to know. “You would let me leave, let me figure this out for months, and still promise to wait for me? Why?”

  “Because I care about you as more than a friend and more than my best friend’s sister. I love who you are.” He returned the gentle pressure on her hands and leaned toward her. “Kaylan, if this relationship progressed and we looked at forever, I would be ask
ing you to support me as a Navy SEAL, a soldier for my country. That would mean long deployments, little contact, secrecy, and blind faith. How could I do any less for you in what you feel the Lord calling you to?”

  Her heart raced and roared in her ears. “If you promise to wait for me, then I’m going to hold you to it.”

  “I won’t let you down.” His voice sounded low and husky. He brushed his knuckles across her face and slowly pulled her to her feet. “I want to follow the Lord, Kaylan. I want to do this right. And to do that, I have to trust Him with you. I’ve let you down, but He never will.”

  She smiled. “Trust is a big word.”

  “Very true.” He leaned forward until their foreheads touched, his grin making her weak.

  “I’ve got another chance, don’t I.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Well, I guess so. Who am I to resist a pining frogman who wrote me letters in the heat of combat?”

  “You wouldn’t be a lady if you tried.”

  “Hey!” She pushed him away, but his cheeky grin mended the scars on her heart, reminding her of moments when her mom had applied Neosporin to her cuts and scrapes as a child. The cut would heat and sting, but a few days later it would be gone. Kaylan wondered if this was the start of a new normal. Her heart and her mind could barely keep up with all the changes. Is this really happening, Lord?

  He held up his finger, motioning her to wait, and moved to the stereo system in back. “One more surprise.”

  She smirked. “You’re just full of surprises. By the way, what did you do with my best friend?”

  “I bought her off. It was easy. She knows what’s good for you.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Me.”

  “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” drifted through the speakers. Nick jogged back to her, slipping his arm around her waist and bringing her hand to rest on his chest.

  “Lion King, really? Who would have thought?” She laughed as they rotated in place, this time unable to clear her head as they danced. His nearness was like a drug, one she didn’t want to quit.

  Whispering in her ear, he pulled her closer, “What can I say? I’m a man of many secrets.” He softly sang the words she’d known since childhood. “You know, love’s a pretty big word too,” he commented.