Shaken Read online

  “We sure don’t fit like we used to.” Micah squeezed into his corner, knocking over his Superman action figure.

  “That’s because you and Seth decided to grow out and up.” David punched Micah’s shoulder, and Kaylan feared the tree house would topple to the ground as a result of their roughhousing.

  “Another fat joke. Just because you can’t gain weight, don’t knock those of us who can,” Seth said, sending David a haughty grin.

  “Touché, little bro. But not all of us need the extra padding.”

  “So much for peace and quiet.” Kaylan rolled her eyes, knowing she wouldn’t trade the interruption for the world. She needed this more than silence.

  Micah grew serious. “Kayles, why didn’t you tell us about Haiti before?”

  “I wasn’t sure I was going.”

  “When did you decide?” Seth pulled a cheese stick from his pocket and bit into it.

  “Today.”

  “Kaylan, that really isn’t like you.”

  “I know, Dave, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us you were thinking about it? Didn’t you think we would support you?” Micah lounged against the wall.

  “Of course I did. I’m just . . . ” She sighed and wished she could pace. “I’m just overwhelmed and tired of all the decisions. I mean, don’t you wish we could just go back to being kids?”

  “I’m nineteen, so technically I’m still a teenager. I consider myself a kid.”

  Kaylan laughed, reaching over to tousle his russet hair. “I don’t think you’ll ever grow up, Seth, but that’s not what I meant.”

  Silence descended. Micah studied the art work on the walls and the toys in each corner. “Time seems to stand still in here. We’re shadows of who we were back then, but that doesn’t mean that those kids aren’t still part of us.”

  “I guess I’m just tired of the decisions. How do you know which path to take? Dave, how did you know you wanted to be an accountant? Micah, when did you decide to be a SEAL? Why was it so easy for you guys and not for me?”

  David leaned toward her. “What makes you think those decisions were easy? Kayles, I love cars. I wanted nothing more than to be a NASCAR driver or a car salesman.” She chuckled as he picked up one of the cars in his corner. “But I’m good at what I do. Both of those things were dreams without substance to me. When it came down to it, I pursued what I was good at. I want to help people make wise financial decisions, be good stewards of their money. And I’m good with numbers. Accounting fit, and I’m happy there.”

  Micah chimed in, “Don’t you remember that horrible fight Dad and I had when I decided to become a SEAL? Let’s face it, sis, I’ve always had an uncontrollable hero complex. I love the brotherhood and patriotism of the military. It wasn’t easy, Kayles. Decisions that change the course of your life are rarely easy.”

  Kaylan admired her brothers. They pursued life with their heads and their hearts, but she was still conflicted.

  “Have you prayed about it, sis? Prayed more than you worry?” Seth grabbed a book from her corner of the tree house. It was a small pocket Bible she’d received in church as a child. The pages were weathered and worn. He flipped it open and began reading from Jeremiah, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ He knows where you’re going, sis.”

  Micah massaged a kink out of her shoulders, and she leaned into his strength. “I think what I’m really wrestling with is choosing my dream over a calling.”

  “That’s tough,” David said. “The question is, which one trumps the other?”

  Kaylan thought about it for a moment. “I think I’m struggling because both carry equal weight. Dave, my internship is similar to your decision to be an accountant. I’m good at putting together meals and helping people understand living a healthy lifestyle that is within their budget. And Micah, Haiti is a lot like your decision. My heart is to help people in a tangible way. One is a means to an end, and the other requires immediate action and blind faith.”

  “Kayles, are you worried about going to Haiti because it’s unfamiliar?” Micah knew her so well.

  “Yeah. How do I know that’s right? I could sacrifice everything for the temporary chance to help people. If I just waited a year, until after my internship, I could have both.”

  Seth chuckled. “God’s clock runs faster than ours. I think He may be shoving you out of the nest early.”

  They all laughed. When silence descended, David spoke up, “You think you’re supposed to go, don’t you?”

  She nodded. Deep down she knew the Lord was opening the door for Haiti. But the reality of her choice had just begun to hit home.

  “Then go, Kayles. There isn’t one mission that I go into worried that the Lord isn’t right there with me. He’ll be with you in Haiti, and He’ll help you decide the next step when the time comes,” Micah encouraged.

  Peace descended again in the cold night air, and the stars seemed to shine brighter. She laughed, “Do y’all ever let me off easy?”

  “Absolutely not. We gotta toughen you up somehow. Besides, my coaches push me because they know it makes me better. I push you because I love you . . . and I love to see you squirm.” Seth dropped his arm over her head, putting her in a headlock.

  Kaylan chuckled and shoved his chest, struggling to pull loose. “And what are you going to be when you grow up?”

  “We already established that he’ll always be a kid,” David said.

  “Big kid in a giant’s body,” Micah said, tossing one of Seth’s balls in the air and catching it with a snap.

  Seth joked, “I’ll just be Kaylan’s personal shrink. God knows she’s going to need it if she can’t make up her mind about her first decision as an official, graduated adult.”

  “Very funny.”

  Micah nudged Kaylan with his bulky shoulder. “You know we love you and are in full support of this. We’ll look forward to pictures and stories of you saving the world one calorie at a time.”

  Their laughter joined similar echoes of the past in the cool Alabama night, leaving Kaylan’s heart full. The perfect end to the day.

  Chapter Five

  THE WOODS GLOWED as if on fire behind the dusky lake, the early morning sky like pink lemonade and mango tea. Kaylan sat in the family sunroom with a mug of coffee watching golden rays burst past the rosy hues and spike above the tree line. The glassy lake mirrored the colors.

  Morning had always been her time. A biological clock woke her just in time to view God’s first visible act of glory for the day. Waves lapped against the dock, wind whistled through the old oaks, and birds dipped down and grazed their wings on the water. The sights calmed her, helping her feel closer to the One who had created her.

  She burrowed under the blanket, avoiding the chill from the floor-length windows lining the room. On the coffee table her Bible lay open to Lamentations. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness.” Her whisper reverberated in the stillness. She set down the coffee cup and wrapped her arms around herself, imagining the Lord’s arms around her. New day, clean slate, fresh possibilities. God was so good.

  “I love that verse.”

  Kaylan jumped, whirling toward the open doorway. Nick lounged against the doorpost, one hand in his pocket and the other gripping a steaming mug of coffee.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  “No one is usually up at this time.”

  He chuckled. “Micah sleeps like the dead until noon when he’s on leave. It’s a wonder he can be on time for zero four hundred bus rides to the drop zone.”

  Silence settled in the room. Dark circles pooled under his eyes, and Kaylan wondered if something had roused him earlier than usual.

  “You know, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. It’s a really bad h
abit.”

  Nick offered an apologetic grin. “They don’t give me the sniper rifle because I’m loud and clumsy.”

  “Well, they should give you some kind of over-sized cat tag, like Panther or Mountain Lion instead of Hawk. Where did that nickname come from, anyway?”

  Nick pushed off the doorway, set his mug on the coffee table, and sat down on the edge of the couch. “Well, that was Micah’s suggestion. Maybe you should ask him.”

  “Come on. We both know Micah is the king of exaggeration. Let’s hear it.”

  Nick smiled and leaned back, crossing his arms and peering out at the now-risen sun. “We were training for our first deployment, one of those ten-day isolated mock missions with our team at a remote location. We were tasked with locating and eliminating a terrorist camp. Since I’m a sniper, I was camped out on a hill a little ways from the rest of the team in what we call an overwatch position. The air asset, or remote-controlled plane, had called ‘no enemy activity’ in the area, but that wasn’t good enough for me. As much as they are there to help, I don’t trust the lives of my team to mechanics, electronics, and an unknown person’s judgment coming from a different zip code. I scanned the area, focusing on the shadows and recess movements beyond the cover of vegetation blocking my view.

  “Then I saw them. A team of Army Rangers all posing as terrorists for the exercise were creeping into a perfect ambush position against my team. I could barely detect them in their camouflage netting covering their hide site, but I recognized the heat signature, a reducing cloak that had probably fooled the unmanned drone overhead.” Nick smirked, but Kaylan noticed the challenge and severity the memory aroused in him.

  “In real life, my team would endure heavy casualties in an ambush like that. So I treated the exercise like it was real. No one touches my team. And no one beats a SEAL. In combat, my job would be to take out the enemy threatening my team, but in simulation, practice shots aren’t made for long distance, so I radioed my team to give them a heads-up about the Rangers. Just as my team rounded the ridge, one of the Rangers made a move and tried to shoot, but Micah shot first with a paint round. The Rangers lost the element of surprise, and we completed the mission. The exchange of paint rounds meant a few bruises and a few drills for my team, but it was more than worth it.”

  Kaylan studied him, new respect dawning for his job. He shot first, or his teammates died. He had their backs, a huge responsibility. His team obviously trusted him completely. It was written all over his face, in the casual way he told the story, confident, sure, protective. He was good because he had to be, and he trained to stay that way.

  “So where does the ‘Hawk’ part come in?”

  “A hawk’s eyesight is about eight times as powerful as a human’s. They see what we can’t in greater detail. That’s my job. I’m the eyes of the team, the point man. I see what they can’t, and I protect them. A hawk soared overhead on our way back to camp that evening. Micah slapped me on the back, pinned me with the name, and I’ve been Hawk ever since.” He smiled, and his eyes carried confidence and knowledge of his responsibility. “My role really helps me understand how dependent we are on Jesus, how important it is that we trust Him to see what we can’t and to have it under control. That’s what I have to do for my team on a much smaller scale.”

  “So, where did Micah get his name?”

  Nick hung his head and chuckled. “I bet you can figure it out.”

  “Well, he’s a bulldog in the morning. I hate waking him up.”

  “He’s more like a grizzly.”

  She laughed. “Very true.” She thought for a moment. “You don’t mess with someone or something he cares about.”

  “Bingo. Micah would jump in front of any of us if we’re staring down the barrel of a gun. Even if he doesn’t agree with us, he defends us and then tells us how stupid we are later. He’s our resident bulldog. Kind of the team’s mascot.” The affection and appreciation for her brother was unmistakable, and Kaylan was glad Nick watched her brother’s back.

  “So, you look out for the team, protect their backs. And Micah defends them. Not a bad combination. You sound like a pretty good team.”

  “We are.” The corners of his mouth twitched, and his blue eyes seemed to shimmer like the water outside the window. “He thinks you and I would make a pretty good team too.”

  Her jaw twitched. It was too early for this conversation. She thought they would spend some time together, maybe find a more steady footing before addressing this topic—if it even came up. He reached for her hands and she kept them limp in his, not encouraging, simply listening.

  “Kayles, give me a chance today to take us back. Before I left.”

  She shook her head. “We can’t go back, Nick.”

  He leaned forward, and his grip on her hands tightened. She fought the urge to lean back. The intensity in his eyes startled her. She’d never seen this side of him before. Playful, affectionate, gentle, sure. But vulnerable? Not mighty Nick Carmichael. He was a modern-day knight with armor a mile thick, and he was stripping it off for her. She worried what she would find if she put her own shield down. He was a flight risk. Hadn’t he shown her as much?

  Kaylan jumped as Nick’s fingers brushed her cheek, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.

  “You’re right. We can’t go back to yesterday, but we can take the best of yesterday and build today and a thousand tomorrows on it. Will you give me a chance?”

  Her heart responded to his touch, his words, the burning sincerity in his gorgeous eyes, but her brain cautioned her to wait. He’d crushed her last time, but a part of her longed to return to the beauty and joy of that time.

  “That’s a big promise, Nick. Can you follow through? Will you even stick around to try?” She wasn’t handing over her heart that easily. Beautiful words were just that, beautiful, unless action followed. His actions had told her she wasn’t worth investing in. She didn’t have a place in his life.

  “A lot’s changed, Kayles. I’m going to prove that to you.”

  Her heart teetered on the edge of a cliff, debating a dive. She couldn’t do that yet.

  Closing her Bible, she slipped from beneath the blanket and stood, looking down at him. Confusion, fear, and frustration swirled like a whirlwind in her head. She willed his words to be true but was afraid of what she would find if they were.

  She squeezed his shoulder. “I’m going to hold you to that, Mr. SEAL.”

  His eyes lit up, but she pulled away and hurried from the room, not ready to handle any more talk just now. Why were there always two paths? She wanted to run into Nick’s arms yet flee as far away as possible. Who knew what the future would bring with a man like Nick Carmichael pursuing her?

  Chapter Six

  NICK HEADED TO the kitchen to pour his third mug of coffee, shaking off the effects of a rough night. His dreams hovered in the light of day, forcing him to relive the nightmares of his deployment. How long would it take before they ceased to haunt him? He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the faint pop of gunfire and screams from his mind.

  “Tired, son?”

  Nick nearly spit out the hot liquid. Keith Matthews sat at the breakfast nook, a coffee cup and book in front of him.

  “Mr. Matthews. Sorry, sir, I didn’t see you there.”

  “Call me Pap.” He chuckled, and the deep rumble set Nick’s nerves at ease. He was the white-haired, slow-talking, Southern grandpa of many a classic movie. “America’s elite don’t usually spook that easily.” His quiet perusal caused Nick to grip his mug. “Rough night?”

  “New bed, different room. I’ll be fine. I’m used to broken sleep.”

  “Understandable. Why don’t you come join me?”

  Nick crossed the room and took a seat. Silence settled over the table, and Nick locked gazes with the man next to him. He wasn’t used to examination. That was a role held only by his father, and he’d been gone over two years now. Sorrow washed over Nick, and he shifted his gaze to the water outsid
e the bay windows, always his escape.

  “Nightmares are nothing to be ashamed of, son. You just got back from combat. They’re understandable. If you need to talk, I’m here.”

  “I appreciate it, sir.”

  “All right, then. Now I wasn’t around much the summer you spent here in Alabama. Tell me about yourself. Micah said you grew up in California?”

  “Yes, sir. Right on the beach.”

  “And your parents?”

  “Passed away. Mom my senior year of high school, and Dad a few years ago.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss. Micah said you were adopted. What about your biological parents?” Nick shook his head. “I’ve never met them. My parents adopted me as a baby. I’ve been piecing together bits about my biological parents since college. There’s not much. Maybe I’ll never know.”

  Pap stood and squeezed Nick’s shoulders, leaning down to look in his face. “Sometimes answers are closer than you think. Keep looking. Keep asking.” He turned to fill up his mug. “Take care of my granddaughter today. I like you, but if you have no intentions to pursue her after you leave, then don’t lead her on today.”

  Nick’s heart pounded against his chest. “Yes, sir. I have no intention of hurting her again.” He grew weary of repeating that line but knew he deserved the skepticism.

  The man’s smile caused his eyes to crinkle. Nick stared into eyes just a little lighter than Kaylan’s.

  “Then have a good day, Nick. Ah, to be young and in love.” He chuckled and left the room.

  In love? Nick wasn’t sure his feelings stretched that far. Yet. Love was a strong word. He rubbed the back of his neck and ran through his checklist for the day. Kaylan waited, and he would only get one second chance.

  “Of all the things we could do today, you chose horses. Didn’t you fall off Micah’s horse the last time you were here?” Standing in the barn, holding her horse by the bridle, Kaylan laughed at Nick’s glare. After time with the Lord and a breakfast complete with Seth’s and Micah’s hilarious antics, Kaylan felt at ease and willing when Nick proposed a ride through the woods for the morning.